Sunday, 6 February 2011

25 years

I've a lot of thoughts going round in my head today. Back on New Years Eve I told you about my mum. Today is the 25th anniversary of the day she died. It hasn't crept up on me then. I always knew it was coming, but I didn't know if and how I should mark the occasion. I'm not a big one for anniversaries, birthdays or other special days in general. I try to make every day special in some way. Sometimes I don't manage it, but that is what I try to do. But 25 years. That's quite a big milestone. I woke up with the memories filling my head but not knowing what to do with them. I could sit down and talk to Mrs S about my memories, but she wasn't lucky enough to meet my mum and while I know she would listen, it would feel a bit of a one way street.

And any way, I didn't really feel like talking, just thinking. I decided I would put in a bit of extra fitness training so I got on my bike (after dusting it first obviously) and took off for the seaside. Luckily I live near the seaside so it wasn't quite the trek I am making it sound like.

I took my camera, which was a good idea. You sometimes miss what you see when driving because you are concentrating on the driving. I'm lucky to live in a beautiful part of the country and I will explore more of it in weeks to come as i step up my training. But today was great as it was a way of spending a quite Sunday morning contemplating, remembering and smiling. It was very self indulgent, but sometimes a hectic home life can mean that you don't get time to reflect on things and that isn't always healthy. Today I gave myself that time.

I also decided to pay a visit to the crematorium where my mums ashes are buried. I don't go every year. I don't go very often and I never take flowers. But there was something beautiful about being there today. The gardens were fairly empty, the wind was blowing with more than enough breath to move the floral tributes that had been carefully placed in various plots. There was the tinkling of bells, perhaps angels getting their wings, and a row of maybe twenty park benches, all donated in memory of someone dear, all occupied by at least one bunch of unseasonal flowers.

I'm glad I went today. I'm glad I called in to see my dad while I was there. I'm also glad I've had a good text conversation with my brother. I do feel a little self indulgent after it all, but not in a guilty way.

My mum wasn't around long enough for me to have all those special days with, but she is still around in my heart to share everything I do.

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